John Oliver

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Last quote by John Oliver

[These companies] make most of their money selling our data to businesses, like banks. So in their eyes, we're not the consumer – we're the product. To think of it in terms of KFC: We're not the guy buying the 10-piece buckets – we're the fucking chickens.feedback
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Oct 16 2017
We can learn a lot about a person if we know what types of things he or she talks about or comments on the most frequently. There are numerous topics with which John Oliver is associated, including Beyonce and Donald Trump. Most recently, John Oliver has been quoted saying: “So everyone knew and they just went with it. Oh yeah, Harvey's gonna burst into your room and masturbate, that's just Harvey. He's like a sex criminal version of the Kool-Aid Man.” in the article Harvey Weinstein Is 'Sex Criminal Version of the Kool-Aid Man'.
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John Oliver quotes

Sep 25 2017

When you have lost the moral high ground to Roger Fucking Goodell, something is horribly wrong.feedback

Sep 25 2017

How is kneeling in front of a flag more disrespectful to it that grinding it against your gnarled, old boner?feedback

Sep 25 2017

Recent years have seen record highs in mergers and acquisitions.feedback

Sep 25 2017

It's not great when a business-casual-Louis-CK-with-a-sound-effects-board is saying, holy shit, this is a really bad idea.feedback

Sep 25 2017

Even NFL commissioner Roger Goodell denounced the president's comments. When you have lost the moral high ground to Roger fucking Goodell, something is horribly wrong. It can feel like we're in a golden age of small-business startups, but that isn't actually the case. The rate at which small businesses are being created has actually been steadily falling since the 1970s. And I would argue that one of the reasons for that is that big businesses have been getting even bigger.feedback

Sep 25 2017

Something is horribly wrong. The president of the United States took time out while, it is worth noting, that 3 million American citizens in Puerto Rico are without power, to call Colin Kaepernick a son of a bitch.feedback

Sep 22 2017

We have been repeatedly asked: 'Don't you want to leave a better Earth for your grandchildren'. And we've all collectively responded: 'Ah, fuck 'em!feedback

Sep 18 2017

Thank you so much for this. I would like to thank HBO for everything, my wife for everything. Thank you HBO, thanks everyone!feedback

Sep 18 2017

I'd like to thank Oprah? Where's Oprah.feedback

Sep 18 2017

They got so wasted after last year's awards ceremony.feedback

Sep 18 2017 - Twitter

Like Dave Chappelle, I would like to unexpectedly thank D.C. Public Schools, because I think it would be great if it started trending on Twitter for no reason tonight whatsoever, so if you're tweeting at home about the Emmys, please use the hashtag #DCPublicSchools.feedback

Sep 11 2017

Arpaio broke the rules he was sworn to uphold – rules that are put in place to protect citizens from a government going out of control. And Trump giving him a pass after everything you've seen tonight and saying he's 'just doing his job' is a loud confirmation that, at least as far as this White House is concerned, for the next few years, law enforcement won't necessarily be expected to do their jobs the way the constitution or the courts say they should.feedback

Sep 11 2017

Here's the thing there: He absolutely was not 'just doing his job'. He was also doing something illegal. You wouldn't say that John Wayne Gacy was 'just doing his job,' even though he was, by all accounts, a pretty good birthday clown. It's the stuff he was doing on top of that that needed addressing.feedback

Aug 21 2017

One out of three Americans live within 50 miles of high-level nuclear waste. Some of which, like plutonium, is lethally dangerous and will be around for an incredibly long time ….feedback

Aug 21 2017

We are dancing with trouble here. So if anyone says the government can just continue to wait, they are, much like a house with no toilet, absolutely full of shit.feedback

Aug 21 2017 - Republican Party

Wow. When you become CEO of Campbell's Soup, you don't not expect to bhave to start your public statements with the words, Racism and murder are unequivocally reprehensible.' You expect to start them by saying, Yes, we're very sorry, but again: You're the one eating clam chowder from a can.feedback

Aug 21 2017 - Republican Party

In the words of the poet Beyoncé and the other ones, , Say his name, say his name. He's not Voldemort! He's just a terrifying entity who viciously attacks his enemies and judges people based on their birthright. You know what, I hear it now. I do hear it now.feedback

Aug 21 2017 - Trump Presidency

No, no, they weren't. I'll tell you why. If you are marching with white nationalists, you are by definition not a very nice person. If Malala Yousafzai had taken part in that rally, you'd have to say, OK, I guess Malala sucks now. I'm confused, I don't know why she's there, but Malala definitely sucks.' That's the only conclusion you can draw. If you're getting emotionally overwhelmed at being judged for defending Trump in his Nazi sympathizer phase, stop fucking doing it. It's that simple. No one is making you do it. And how did you manage to make this about you?feedback

Aug 21 2017

It was also fascinating to watch Trump's own party try desperately not to deal with what he had said. That's right, Mitch McConnell has the moral courage to deny anonymous sources who said he had some moral courage. Others tried to delicately thread the needle, condemning the Nazis without explicitly mentioning the president. Take Paul Ryan, a man whose spine ran away from home 10 years ago and is now living on a spine commune in northern Vermont. You know what, I do hear it now. I take that back.feedback

Aug 21 2017 - Xenophobia

We begin tonight with the White House, still a beautiful building despite what's currently happening inside it. On Friday, there was some big news. Yes, Steve Bannon is gone, presumably to spend more time sucking his own cock. He leaves behind a legacy defined by quasi-constitutional xenophobia, unfulfilled campaign promises and a definitive answer to the question: what would happen if Martin Sheen ate nothing besides sea salt for a thousand years?feedback

Aug 21 2017

Meanwhile, commentators who are usually in Trump's corner had a genuinely tough time defending his remarks, none tougher than Fox News's Melissa Francis.feedback

Aug 21 2017 - Trump Presidency

And while it was shocking, Bannon is just the latest in a string of recent departures. Wow, he is surrounded by four white nothings and Mike Pence. But the truly depressing thing about Bannon's departure is just how utterly unsatisfying it actually is. Yes, one panderer to white nationalists has left the White House. The problem is, the one he was working for is still very much there. And on Tuesday, Trump doubled down on his remarks about the groups marching in Charlottesville last weekend.feedback

Aug 21 2017

You can mention him, he's not Voldemort. He's just a terrifying entity who viciously attacks his enemies and judges people based on their birthright.feedback

Aug 14 2017 - American politics

Wait, on many sides'? This was a white nationalist rally. You have to call that out by name. There aren't many instances in modern American politics where you can honestly think, That guy really should have mentioned the Nazis,' but this is emphatically one of them.feedback

Aug 14 2017 - American politics

It simply doesn't get easier than disavowing Nazis. It's as much of a presidential gimme as pardoning a fucking turkey. It is almost impossible to screw it up, but that's exactly what happened. So there is clearly no point in waiting for leadership from our president at moments like this because it is just not coming. Which means we will have to look to one another because, incredibly, in a country where previous presidents have actually had to defeat Nazis, we now have one who cannot even be bothered to even condemn them.feedback

Aug 14 2017 - Ku Klux Klan

I've got to say, David Duke and the Nazis really seem to like Donald Trump, which is weird because Nazis are a lot like cats. If they like you, it's probably because you're feeding them. And that kind of connection is something that anyone in their right mind would want to immediately disavow. Don't take that from me. White nationalists seemed pretty clear about the message Trump had sent to them with his response. Trump's comments were good. No condemnation at all. When asked to condemn he just walked out of the room. God bless him.feedback

Aug 14 2017

A protester being killed in the wake of neo-Nazis marching in the streets of an American city is the kind of tragedy that calls for true leadership from whoever is in the Oval Office. Unfortunately, the current occupant is this guy, and even after a few hours to think about it, the best he could do was squeeze in this response before a bill signing. It seems Trump's first response to anything bad happening is always to immediately absolve himself of any personal responsibility. He's the kind of guy who starts eulogies at funerals saying: 'Great guy, I didn't kill him.feedback

Aug 14 2017

There's no point waiting for leadership. Sadly, we must begin with the events in Charlottesville, Virginia, where one person was killed and 19 injured after a car plowed into protesters following a rally of white nationalists. It was truly a weekend of horrifying images. We saw Nazi flags and marchers carrying torches. Tiki torches, by the way, because nothing says white nationalist quite like faux-Polynesian kitsch.feedback

Aug 14 2017

It simply doesn't get easier than disavowing Nazis. It is almost impossible to screw it up, but that's exactly what happened. So there is clearly no point waiting for leadership from our president at moments like this because it is just not coming. Which means we will have to look to one another because, incredibly, in a country where previous presidents have actually had to defeat Nazis, we now have one that cannot even be bothered to fucking condemn them.feedback

Aug 14 2017 - Trump Presidency

And having made a wild false equivalence between Nazis and people who oppose Nazis, Trump moved onto his favorite subject: himself.feedback

Aug 14 2017

A non-answer in a moment like this is an answer. If you had asked me, Have you ever been aroused by the fairies in Zelda: The Ocarina of Time?' and I responded by slowly and silently walking away from you, you'd know exactly what I was saying.feedback

Aug 14 2017 - Trump Presidency

Maybe Trump will eventually take a second swing at personally condemning the white nationalists. But even if he does, it'll be too late. Because his first response is who he is.feedback

Aug 07 2017

This is a story about the danger of not learning from your mistakes. And for the sake of absolutely everybody – people on both sides of the border and the good border patrol agents just trying to do a difficult job well – if we're going to hire all these new people, the very least we can do is be more careful this time around.feedback

Aug 07 2017

The new standards affected agents' ability to talk to the people they caught and their ability to catch the people they wanted to talk to, which seem like pretty essential facets of their job. It's like if the training program at SeaWorld left out putting on a wetsuit and systematically driving carnivorous whales insane. That's the whole job there! Take them away, you're left with nothing else!feedback

Aug 07 2017 - Immigration

Just because it wasn't part of the original does not mean it was worthless. Some of the best things ever made were changed partway through. Did you know, for instance, there was a time when the Fast and the Furious movies didn't have the Rock in them? It's true. And they sucked. That's why they added the fucking Rock.feedback

Aug 07 2017

Oh my God, that is a lot of bad apples.feedback

Jul 31 2017

If Alex Jones wants his words in context, this is it. The fact that he happens to sell so many solutions should really recontextualize what you think about what he's claiming are problems. Think about it like this: How would you feel if, at the end of this segment that may well have made you feel a little dirty, I tried to sell you something to wipe that gross feeling away? Would you question my motives?feedback

Jul 31 2017

In one week of recent broadcasts on his site, we found [Jones] spent nearly a quarter of the time either talking about or playing ads for his products, or pointing you to the Infowars store. And if you have never shopping on Infowars, you're in for whatever the exact opposite of a treat is.feedback

Jul 15 2017

You know how Zachary Taylor died? After a July 4th celebration where he treated himself to too much milk and cherries. He basically OD'd on a snack for preschoolers.feedback

Jul 13 2017 - Russia

My producer found someone in his hotel room. He was just there and he was near the window and he said, You called downstairs to have your window opened.' It's February, we're in Moscow, you have to try harder than that.feedback

Jul 13 2017

I don't know, but the very fact that you just said that sentence out loud shows that we are turbo-fucked! What I found amazing is [Trump Jr.'s] confidence in saying, This is nothing.' And I don't know what he's referring to there – the contents of the emails or the contents of his head. If it's the second, I agree, if it's the first, I fiercely disagree.feedback

Jul 13 2017

This is a big change. Maps will need to be redrawn.feedback

Jul 03 2017

The administration has long maintained is not a ban despite what you may have heard from biased mainstream media outlooks like the President of the United States and a dictionary. This ban is cruel, it's unnecessary, and it undermines our standing in the world. So you would think the president would be justifying its existence; instead he keeps derailing the conversation with his barrage of bullshit.feedback

Jul 03 2017

Sinclair [Broadcast Group] may be the most influential media company that you've never heard of: Not only are they the largest owner of local TV stations in the country, they could soon get ever bigger. If the opinions were confined just to the commentary and the ad breaks, that would be one thing. But Sinclair can sometimes dictate the content of the local newscast as well, and in contrast with Fox News – a basically conservative outlet where you know what you're getting – with Sinclair, they're injecting Fox-worthy content into the mouths of your local news anchors.feedback

Jul 03 2017

I did not know it was possible to dip below the journalistic standards of Breitbart. That's like being too bad a chef to work at a carnival food cart.feedback

Jul 03 2017

Our main story tonight concerns the potential problems in corporate consolidation of local news. National cable news gets a lot of attention with their big budgets and their fancy graphics packages. Meanwhile, local news often has to do a lot more with a lot less.feedback

Jul 03 2017 - U.S. National Security Adviser

You may not realize it's happening, because Sinclair and its digital news subsidiary Circa not only produce and send packages to their stations; they even write scripts that local anchors use to introduce the pieces. For example, this Tuesday night, anchors at Sinclair stations all over the country introduced a story about Michael Flynn like this.feedback

Jul 03 2017 - U.S. National Security Adviser

Now, the story they were teasing was that Michael Flynn had apparently spoken on behalf of a former FBI agent in a gender discrimination suit against the agency, but it is a huge stretch to get from there to an agency-wide conspiracy to bring him down. The problem is, there is real power in hearing your trusted local newscasters using FBI and personal vendetta in a sentence. If those same newscasters somehow used the word Daniel Stern and explosive ejaculation in the same sentence, you could never watch Home Alone again.feedback

Jul 03 2017 - Exxon Mobil

Hyman is a commentator and former executive at Sinclair Broadcast Group, and Sinclair may be the most influential media company you've never heard of. It is a little disconcerting to learn that something you've only just heard of is throwing around $4bn. It's like finding out that Exxon Mobil just got bought, and it was by the little twerp who plays the new Spider-Man. Now, this acquisition still needs regulatory approval, but it is widely assumed that that will happen, at which point Sinclair's reach could expand dramatically.feedback

Jun 26 2017 - IPhone

Despite [vaccines'] success, small groups are both skeptical and vocal about vaccines, which is nothing new. But these days their voice has been amplified by the human megaphone that is the president of the United States.feedback

Jun 26 2017 - Vaccine

It's like saying, It would be crazy to eat that entire bar of soap, so I'll just eat half of it. Do you seriously need some sort of wise quote to convince you on this one? Just, like, don't be a dick. If I can overcome the temptation to listen to the irrational shouting of my terrified lizard brain, then I believe that everyone can.feedback

Jun 26 2017

Some will say that the real problem is that scientists have been paid by pharma companies to hide the problem with vaccines.feedback

Jun 26 2017 - Autism

I'm not saying that there are not problems with big pharma. There absolutely are; we have discussed them before on this show. But on the rare occasions where there have been issues with vaccines, they have been pulled, and fast. And I know that that explanation will still not satisfy some. There are going to be some truly toxic comments below this video, alongside the usual ones about how I look like an owl who can't get a date for prom, or that I probably live alone surrounded by jars I'm too weak to open by myself.feedback

Jun 26 2017

Parents get so much information, it is hard to know what to do. Did you vaccinate? Did you eat the placenta? Did you let kids cry? And the answer to those, by the way, are yes, no and absolutely, because the more they cry now the more they'll be prepare to watch This Is Us when they get older.feedback

Jun 26 2017 - Trump Presidency

That is Donald Trump on the campaign trail raising doubts about vaccinations. And that is a sentiment that he's also expressed online, with a tweet reading 'tiny children are not horses', an assertion that PolitiFact rates: 'Yeah, I mean, I guess technically we've got to give him that, but good grief.feedback

Jun 26 2017

Parenthood in general is fucking terrifying. And I am someone who is scared of literally everything. For what it's worth, I have a son. He is 19 months old. He was born prematurely following a very difficult pregnancy. And I was worried about his health and I still worry about his health a lot. But we are vaccinating him fully on schedule. And if I can overcome the temptation to listen to the irrational shouting of my terrified lizard brain, then I believe that everyone can.feedback

Jun 26 2017

I kind of get why vaccines can creep people out. Vaccinations can mean getting injected by a needle filled with science juice. Pretty much every medical practice sounds terrifying when you break it down like that. An appendectomy means removing one of your organs through stabbing, antibiotics are poison used to murder things living in you, and even exercise means forcefully burning up your insides. My point is the human body is a true carnival of horrors and frankly I'm embarrassed to have one.feedback

Jun 23 2017

As we have been explicitly told to 'cease and desist' let us do neither of those things and let's talk about Bob Murray.feedback

Jun 23 2017 - Trump Presidency

An honest conversation about coal and its miners needs to be had, and we should neither cease nor desist from having it.feedback

Jun 22 2017

I'm going to need to be careful here, because when we contacted Murray Energy for this piece, they sent us a letter instructing us to 'cease and desist from any effort to defame, harass, or otherwise injure Mr. Murray or Murray Energy,' and telling us that 'failure to do so will result in immediate litigation.feedback

Jun 22 2017

Bob Murray, I didn't really plan for so much of this piece to be about you, but you kinda forced my hand on that one. And I know you're probably going to sue me over this. But, you know what? I stand by everything I said.feedback

Jun 19 2017 - Trump Presidency

If I had been the son of a coal miner, I would have left the damn mines. But most people don't have the imagination – or whatever – to leave their mine. They don't have 'it.feedback

Jun 19 2017 - Coal mining

He barely gets what mining is, . He may well think it's just running up to things that he wants and yelling, Mine!feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Star Wars

And he did this all while looking like Darth Vader fucked an Amazon Echo.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Brexit

I cannot imagine a scenario when that is ever naughty, unless you're doing it while high on PCP and fucking a cantaloupe.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Immigration

Broadly speaking, the question is whether the UK will have a hard or a soft Brexit. Within that hard/soft framework are decisions that will affect a lot of lives. Take immigration. There are currently 3 million EU citizens living in the UK and 1.2 million British citizens living in Europe, all of whom presumably wouldn't mind knowing where they're going to be allowed to live and what their rights might be in just two years' time.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - British politics

British politics has a proud tradition of having all candidates stand together on the stage when the results are announced.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Conservative and Unionist Party

The United Kingdom, the country that's been saying 'yas queen!' for centuries, held a national election this week. There wasn't actually due to be one for three years, but prime minister Theresa May called it early. It's called a snap election and she did it to consolidate her power, although it din't quite work out that way.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Brexit

If you are still prime minister by the time this show airs, I implore you, send the Dark Lord for Brussels. Is it an absurd idea? Yes. But it would not even be close to the stupidest thing that you have ever done.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Homosexuality

Yes, this was a clusterfuck or, to be more precise, a crumpet-fuck, of epic proportions. Theresa May is hanging onto her job by a thread. To stay in power, she's attempting to cut a distasteful deal with the DUP, a hardline anti-gay, anti-abortion party in Northern Ireland, which has opened her up to even more criticism. Meanwhile, there are rumors of a leadership challenge from within her own party by Boris Johnson, a grown man who perpetually looks like a seven-year-old who just spun in circles for three minutes and is about to throw up.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Brexit

In eight days, the UK is set to walk into a negotiation with no real leverage, no significant political mandate, and no coherent plan.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Brexit

So how about instead of sending a career negotiator, why not send someone that there is no way they would expect? I'm talking about someone bold, unafraid to call it how it is. Someone with a firm, leather-clad grasp of the issues. Someone with a bucket-list of demands and an honest, slightly muffled voice. That's right, I'm talking about the intergalactic space lord himself.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Trump Presidency

What are you talking about? They were happy because they secured a landmark victory for the future of the planet, you fucking egomaniac! The whole world is not secretly conspiring against the United States. You know what? In a way, Trump is fulfilling his campaign promise. He is creating millions of new jobs – he's just doing it for the wrong fucking country.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - London

But to say it's 'under siege' and its people are 'reeling' is to imply its somehow weak enough to be brought to its knees by three monumental a*******s.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - London

In no way is Britain under siege. Is it upset? Yes! Is it p***** off? Oh, you f****** bet it's p***** off.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Climate change

But this week, the climate change movement may have gotten a symbol to rally around, because apparently it was never quite enough to motivate ourselves out of love for this large gassy orb.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Trump Presidency

Trump may have done us a tiny favor. Earth, the adopted home world of Björk: the reason we have to talk about Earth is this. As a title, [Paris accords] is so off-brand for him it might as well have been called 'the globalist cock surrender' or a light jog. But pulling out of this is a huge deal. They were happy because they secured a landmark victory for the future of the planet, you fucking egomaniac. The whole world is not secretly conspiring against the United States.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Climate change

Trump may have inadvertently done us a tiny favor this week, because the problem with climate change is that it's always felt so abstract and impersonal and far off in the future. The usual symbols that we use don't do much to fix or help that. It's either a graph that's difficult to understand or a sad polar bear on a small piece of ice. And it's hard to get emotionally fired up over that.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Trump Presidency

Well, come on. He was clearly never going to be convinced by an ad in the New York Times. How was he going to see it? If those companies really wanted to get his attention, they needed to talk KFC into putting out a full-bucket ad which he could read on the toilet while eating chicken, because that, at his core, is who our president is.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Trump Presidency

But maybe just maybe we can now motivate ourselves to do something out of our loathing of this one.feedback

May 23 2017

Every internet group needs to come together like you successfully did three years ago. We need all of you.feedback

May 22 2017 - Watergate

Wait, no politician has been treated worse? Abraham Lincoln was shot by an actor. William McKinley was shot by an anarchist. JFK was, of course, murdered by Ted Cruz's father. And James Garfield was shot, then to find the bullet, Alexander Graham Bell devised a kind of metal detector, which didn't work, so doctors tried to fish around in his guts for the bullet with unwashed fingers, which just made his infection worse, so he died in horrible pain. But yeah, Alec Baldwin sometimes does a mean impression of you on TV. So yeah, it's basically the same, isn't it?feedback

May 22 2017 - Watergate

I don't know about you, but this week has drained me.feedback

May 22 2017 - Watergate

It's like the centipede that keeps dropping shoes. But it's real, and people wear shoes, so the Trump administration is really more The Human Centipede in terms of the amount of shit passing through it and how nauseating watching it really is.feedback

May 22 2017 - Trump Presidency

That is the kind of information you shouldn't even share with your closest friends, which of course in Trump's case would be the caddy he calls Steve even though his name is Doug, a bucket of KFC chicken, and the ghost of Roger Ailes. Literally every decision in the Trump administration is the worst possible one. At least part of it would include thousands of Muslims celebrating in New Jersey. It seems like with President Trump that he's always approaching the end of the line but it never seems to come, as if for him, and him alone, the end of the line is drawn by MC fucking Escher.feedback

May 22 2017

Your old job was basically having a name, letting other people pay you to use that name and firing Dee Snider. It was fucking easy. Say what you want about Nixon, but at least he wanted the fucking job.feedback

May 22 2017 - Coal mining

A Fox host not being able to hold his doubts at bay for 48 hours is pretty much a canary in a coal mine, but then at this point Donald Trump is basically waist deep in canaries.feedback

May 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

Just being someone's punch line is not my idea of fun. We tried to get Lady Bunny [for the show], but she turned us down. Lady Bunny, you are a whore.feedback

May 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

I'll make a joke about something and people will print it out and it sounds awful, when it's really clear my standpoint is 'Live your life, be free, do what you feel you need to do, .feedback

May 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

Our culture is about choosing an identity and sticking with it so people can market shit to you. Anything that switches that around is completely the antithesis of what our culture implores us to do.feedback

May 15 2017

Think of it as a Brita pitcher for your blood. So we're spending the most to essentially get the least. We're basically paying for a fully loaded Lamborghini and receiving a drunk donkey on roller skates. Essentially we have universal health care in this country, for one organ in your body. It's like your kidneys, and only your kidneys, are Canadian.feedback

May 08 2017 - Republican Party

It is dangerous to assume that this bill will die on its own. Your senators are incredibly important right now. And they're going to recess soon, so you need to let them know how you feel about this.feedback

May 08 2017 - Republican Party

You turned through every page? That's not how you read a bill – that's how you check a bill for spiders.feedback

May 08 2017 - Republican Party

I can explain it to you right now, . You fucked up.feedback

May 08 2017 - Republican Party

They took a bad thing and managed to make it even worse. It's like watching Mariah Carey's Glitter and saying, You know what this needs? Jar Jar Binks.feedback

May 08 2017

If you are going to rip off someone else's work, maybe don't include the name of the person you're ripping off. Some define comedy as tragedy plus time, but for me the purest definition is a middle-aged Kiwi in a robe playing Eminem's 'Lose Yourself' to a completely silent and motionless courtroom.feedback

Apr 24 2017

The assumption that many of us have that she disagrees with him isn't actually based on much. That recommendation would get you no other job. We shouldn't be excited about a top White House advisor simply because he is preferable for a man best described as 'Every Dark Thought Humanity as Ever Had Inhabiting the Long-Dead Corpse of a Civil War Era Plantation Owner That Even His Fellow Plantation Owners Called 'A Bit Much.feedback

Apr 24 2017 - Trump Presidency

I know that all of this may seem like an evisceration of both Jared and Ivanka, but it is really not. I don't know enough about them to eviscerate them, just as you don't know enough about them to put any hopes in them. Because it is dangerous to think of them as a moderating influence, as reassuring as that may feel, because believe me – and it gives me no pleasure to say this – if they are the reason you are sleeping at night, you should probably still be awake.feedback

Apr 17 2017 - Brexit

Britain and America fucked up. Don't fuck up, too.feedback

Apr 17 2017

[There's] a potentially destabilizing populist campaigning on anti-immigrant rhetoric who rages against the elites despite having a powerful father and inherited wealth – even as all the experts reassure us that there is no way this can possibly happen.feedback

Apr 17 2017 - Populism

It is not an exaggeration to say that, post-Brexit and with a wave of far-right populism sweeping Europe, the fate of the EU may hang on this election. Multiple candidates support a French Brexit, and the consequences of that would be steep.feedback

Apr 10 2017 - O'Reilly Factor

We submitted it to stations on Friday, but weirdly we haven't heard back from them since, which is a little surprising, because we are one of the only advertisers offering to buy time on his show at the moment.feedback

Apr 10 2017

To recap this story for you. Bill O'Reilly needs advertisers and Donald Trump needs to understand sexual harassment. And here, is where we come in. We submitted it to stations on Friday, but weirdly, we haven't heard back from them since, which is a little surprising, because we are one of the only advertisers offering to buy time on his show at the moment.feedback

Apr 03 2017 - Wiretapping

Devin took what appears to be an unnecessary trip to tell what appears to be unimportant news to what may have been the source of the news itself. So what Nunes brought to light has turned out to be a bunch of smoke and mirrors as convoluted as it is pointless – truly, it is the Now You See Me of revelations.feedback

Apr 03 2017 - Wiretapping

That initially sounded like it could back up Trump's claims that President Obama wiretapped him. But it quickly unraveled as Nunes conceded the surveillance was routine appeared to be completely legal, occurred after the election and may not have even targeted Trump or his transition team but rather foreign individuals discussing the transition.feedback

Apr 03 2017 - Marijuana

Legal marijuana businesses have struggled to get bank accounts because at the federal level they are still seen as criminal enterprises. So if banks took their deposits, that could be considered money laundering. This has meant that the businesses have had to operate all-cash.feedback

Mar 20 2017 - IPhone

Randomly singling out a few of them and then reducing them down to numbers.feedback

Mar 20 2017

The list of cuts scroll by like the ending credits to America. Thanks for helping us out, agriculture department. Hope you find a gig with the next country that rises from our ashes. You don't cut those agencies as a cost-saving measure. You do it as a fuck you.feedback

Mar 20 2017

Let's trickle dickle some money bunnies into our boom-boom budget we are aiming for tippy top people.feedback

Mar 20 2017

It's the budgetary equivalent of inviting Mitt Romney out to dinner at Jean-Georges before not offering him a cabinet position. Trump is so consistently monstrous, sometimes out of sheer coincidence he happens to do something amazing. Trump is truly the stopped clock of assholes.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Sex

This plan is literally taking money from the poor and giving it to the very rich. It's essentially a reverse Bernie Sanders, which is actually also the name of a sex act consisting of very aggressive fingering.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Trumpcare

That is over two-thirds less. And it's not one of those two-thirds decreases that you barely notice, like when Robin and Barry of the Bee Gees died. I'm kidding – Barry is fine. Robin and Maurice are dead. Or are they? The point is, they are. Although, to be fair, I have no idea. You don't either, and I don't see either of us Googling it anytime soon. Trump is not clamoring to put his name on this bill, and he has put his name on some of the shittiest products in human history.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Trumpcare

Saddle up, partner. For tonight, you ride again. Who better to tell Trump what this bill will do than someone who stands to be hurt by it? Someone in his early 60s, in rural America, with an unspecified medical problem that requires constant treatment? A not-insignificant percentage of this bill is focused on the urgent matter of what if one poor suddenly becomes less poor. I'm honestly surprised they didn't devote a section that covered what would happen in the event of a 'Freaky Friday'-type situation.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Trumpcare

It's like if the people of Pompeii voted for the volcano. I know you get to define your own self-interest, but I wish you hadn't voted for that volcano.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Trumpcare

This bill seems almost universally hated in Washington. It is truly the Ted Cruz of health-care legislation.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Trumpcare

I've been cowboying for 25 years and there's two things I know: I don't like pain when I cath, and health care is a complicated business.feedback

Mar 06 2017 - Buddhism

The Chinese government absolutely hates you.feedback

Mar 06 2017 - Watergate

A potential scandal with all the intrigue of Watergate except everyone involved is really bad at everything.feedback

Mar 06 2017 - Wiretapping

I think we can now officially declare that Trump has a worse media diet than the Son of Sam killer – and he got all his news from a talking dog who told him to murder.feedback

Feb 13 2017

"[Trump] even lied about the weather at his inauguration,". "We have a president capable of standing in the rain and saying it was a sunny day.".feedback

Sep 19 2016 - World Happiness report

It's all I've been thinking about for the past 48 hours, that I'd be looking at the back of Beyonce's head for four hours and she hasn't turned up. So, this is nice, but this evening genuinely has a sense of loss. I was going to stare at the back of her head and experience happiness in a form that I hadn't felt.feedback

Jun 06 2016

Are you ready to make television history? Let's do this!feedback

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