John Oliver

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Last quote by John Oliver

Despite [vaccines'] success, small groups are both skeptical and vocal about vaccines, which is nothing new. But these days their voice has been amplified by the human megaphone that is the president of the United States.feedback
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Jun 26 2017 IPhone
We can learn a lot about a person if we know what types of things he or she talks about or comments on the most frequently. There are numerous topics with which John Oliver is associated, including Beyonce and Donald Trump. Most recently, John Oliver has been quoted saying: “It's like saying, It would be crazy to eat that entire bar of soap, so I'll just eat half of it. Do you seriously need some sort of wise quote to convince you on this one? Just, like, don't be a dick. If I can overcome the temptation to listen to the irrational shouting of my terrified lizard brain, then I believe that everyone can.” in the article Watch John Oliver Explore How Trump, Memes Fueled Anti-Vaccine Movement.
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John Oliver quotes

Jun 22 2017

Bob Murray, I didn't really plan for so much of this piece to be about you, but you kinda forced my hand on that one. And I know you're probably going to sue me over this. But, you know what? I stand by everything I said.feedback

Jun 19 2017 - Trump Presidency

If I had been the son of a coal miner, I would have left the damn mines. But most people don't have the imagination – or whatever – to leave their mine. They don't have 'it.feedback

Jun 19 2017 - Trump Presidency

He barely gets what mining is, . He may well think it's just running up to things that he wants and yelling, Mine!feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Star Wars

And he did this all while looking like Darth Vader fucked an Amazon Echo.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Brexit

I cannot imagine a scenario when that is ever naughty, unless you're doing it while high on PCP and fucking a cantaloupe.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Immigration

Broadly speaking, the question is whether the UK will have a hard or a soft Brexit. Within that hard/soft framework are decisions that will affect a lot of lives. Take immigration. There are currently 3 million EU citizens living in the UK and 1.2 million British citizens living in Europe, all of whom presumably wouldn't mind knowing where they're going to be allowed to live and what their rights might be in just two years' time.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Brexit

British politics has a proud tradition of having all candidates stand together on the stage when the results are announced.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Brexit

The United Kingdom, the country that's been saying 'yas queen!' for centuries, held a national election this week. There wasn't actually due to be one for three years, but prime minister Theresa May called it early. It's called a snap election and she did it to consolidate her power, although it din't quite work out that way.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Brexit

If you are still prime minister by the time this show airs, I implore you, send the Dark Lord for Brussels. Is it an absurd idea? Yes. But it would not even be close to the stupidest thing that you have ever done.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Homosexuality

Yes, this was a clusterfuck or, to be more precise, a crumpet-fuck, of epic proportions. Theresa May is hanging onto her job by a thread. To stay in power, she's attempting to cut a distasteful deal with the DUP, a hardline anti-gay, anti-abortion party in Northern Ireland, which has opened her up to even more criticism. Meanwhile, there are rumors of a leadership challenge from within her own party by Boris Johnson, a grown man who perpetually looks like a seven-year-old who just spun in circles for three minutes and is about to throw up.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Brexit

In eight days, the UK is set to walk into a negotiation with no real leverage, no significant political mandate, and no coherent plan.feedback

Jun 12 2017 - Brexit

So how about instead of sending a career negotiator, why not send someone that there is no way they would expect? I'm talking about someone bold, unafraid to call it how it is. Someone with a firm, leather-clad grasp of the issues. Someone with a bucket-list of demands and an honest, slightly muffled voice. That's right, I'm talking about the intergalactic space lord himself.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Trump Presidency

What are you talking about? They were happy because they secured a landmark victory for the future of the planet, you fucking egomaniac! The whole world is not secretly conspiring against the United States. You know what? In a way, Trump is fulfilling his campaign promise. He is creating millions of new jobs – he's just doing it for the wrong fucking country.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - London

But to say it's 'under siege' and its people are 'reeling' is to imply its somehow weak enough to be brought to its knees by three monumental a*******s.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - London

In no way is Britain under siege. Is it upset? Yes! Is it p***** off? Oh, you f****** bet it's p***** off.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Climate change

But this week, the climate change movement may have gotten a symbol to rally around, because apparently it was never quite enough to motivate ourselves out of love for this large gassy orb.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Trump Presidency

Trump may have done us a tiny favor. Earth, the adopted home world of Björk: the reason we have to talk about Earth is this. As a title, [Paris accords] is so off-brand for him it might as well have been called 'the globalist cock surrender' or a light jog. But pulling out of this is a huge deal. They were happy because they secured a landmark victory for the future of the planet, you fucking egomaniac. The whole world is not secretly conspiring against the United States.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Climate change

Trump may have inadvertently done us a tiny favor this week, because the problem with climate change is that it's always felt so abstract and impersonal and far off in the future. The usual symbols that we use don't do much to fix or help that. It's either a graph that's difficult to understand or a sad polar bear on a small piece of ice. And it's hard to get emotionally fired up over that.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Trump Presidency

Well, come on. He was clearly never going to be convinced by an ad in the New York Times. How was he going to see it? If those companies really wanted to get his attention, they needed to talk KFC into putting out a full-bucket ad which he could read on the toilet while eating chicken, because that, at his core, is who our president is.feedback

Jun 05 2017 - Trump Presidency

But maybe just maybe we can now motivate ourselves to do something out of our loathing of this one.feedback

May 23 2017

Every internet group needs to come together like you successfully did three years ago. We need all of you.feedback

May 22 2017 - Watergate

Wait, no politician has been treated worse? Abraham Lincoln was shot by an actor. William McKinley was shot by an anarchist. JFK was, of course, murdered by Ted Cruz's father. And James Garfield was shot, then to find the bullet, Alexander Graham Bell devised a kind of metal detector, which didn't work, so doctors tried to fish around in his guts for the bullet with unwashed fingers, which just made his infection worse, so he died in horrible pain. But yeah, Alec Baldwin sometimes does a mean impression of you on TV. So yeah, it's basically the same, isn't it?feedback

May 22 2017 - Watergate

I don't know about you, but this week has drained me.feedback

May 22 2017 - Watergate

It's like the centipede that keeps dropping shoes. But it's real, and people wear shoes, so the Trump administration is really more The Human Centipede in terms of the amount of shit passing through it and how nauseating watching it really is.feedback

May 22 2017 - Trump Presidency

That is the kind of information you shouldn't even share with your closest friends, which of course in Trump's case would be the caddy he calls Steve even though his name is Doug, a bucket of KFC chicken, and the ghost of Roger Ailes. Literally every decision in the Trump administration is the worst possible one. At least part of it would include thousands of Muslims celebrating in New Jersey. It seems like with President Trump that he's always approaching the end of the line but it never seems to come, as if for him, and him alone, the end of the line is drawn by MC fucking Escher.feedback

May 22 2017

Your old job was basically having a name, letting other people pay you to use that name and firing Dee Snider. It was fucking easy. Say what you want about Nixon, but at least he wanted the fucking job.feedback

May 22 2017 - Coal mining

A Fox host not being able to hold his doubts at bay for 48 hours is pretty much a canary in a coal mine, but then at this point Donald Trump is basically waist deep in canaries.feedback

May 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

Just being someone's punch line is not my idea of fun. We tried to get Lady Bunny [for the show], but she turned us down. Lady Bunny, you are a whore.feedback

May 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

I'll make a joke about something and people will print it out and it sounds awful, when it's really clear my standpoint is 'Live your life, be free, do what you feel you need to do, .feedback

May 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

Our culture is about choosing an identity and sticking with it so people can market shit to you. Anything that switches that around is completely the antithesis of what our culture implores us to do.feedback

May 15 2017

Think of it as a Brita pitcher for your blood. So we're spending the most to essentially get the least. We're basically paying for a fully loaded Lamborghini and receiving a drunk donkey on roller skates. Essentially we have universal health care in this country, for one organ in your body. It's like your kidneys, and only your kidneys, are Canadian.feedback

May 08 2017 - Republican Party

It is dangerous to assume that this bill will die on its own. Your senators are incredibly important right now. And they're going to recess soon, so you need to let them know how you feel about this.feedback

May 08 2017 - Republican Party

You turned through every page? That's not how you read a bill – that's how you check a bill for spiders.feedback

May 08 2017 - Republican Party

I can explain it to you right now, . You fucked up.feedback

May 08 2017 - Republican Party

They took a bad thing and managed to make it even worse. It's like watching Mariah Carey's Glitter and saying, You know what this needs? Jar Jar Binks.feedback

May 08 2017

If you are going to rip off someone else's work, maybe don't include the name of the person you're ripping off. Some define comedy as tragedy plus time, but for me the purest definition is a middle-aged Kiwi in a robe playing Eminem's 'Lose Yourself' to a completely silent and motionless courtroom.feedback

Apr 24 2017

The assumption that many of us have that she disagrees with him isn't actually based on much. That recommendation would get you no other job. We shouldn't be excited about a top White House advisor simply because he is preferable for a man best described as 'Every Dark Thought Humanity as Ever Had Inhabiting the Long-Dead Corpse of a Civil War Era Plantation Owner That Even His Fellow Plantation Owners Called 'A Bit Much.feedback

Apr 24 2017 - Trump Presidency

I know that all of this may seem like an evisceration of both Jared and Ivanka, but it is really not. I don't know enough about them to eviscerate them, just as you don't know enough about them to put any hopes in them. Because it is dangerous to think of them as a moderating influence, as reassuring as that may feel, because believe me – and it gives me no pleasure to say this – if they are the reason you are sleeping at night, you should probably still be awake.feedback

Apr 17 2017 - Brexit

Britain and America fucked up. Don't fuck up, too.feedback

Apr 17 2017

[There's] a potentially destabilizing populist campaigning on anti-immigrant rhetoric who rages against the elites despite having a powerful father and inherited wealth – even as all the experts reassure us that there is no way this can possibly happen.feedback

Apr 17 2017 - Populism

It is not an exaggeration to say that, post-Brexit and with a wave of far-right populism sweeping Europe, the fate of the EU may hang on this election. Multiple candidates support a French Brexit, and the consequences of that would be steep.feedback

Apr 10 2017 - Sexual harassment

We submitted it to stations on Friday, but weirdly we haven't heard back from them since, which is a little surprising, because we are one of the only advertisers offering to buy time on his show at the moment.feedback

Apr 10 2017

To recap this story for you. Bill O'Reilly needs advertisers and Donald Trump needs to understand sexual harassment. And here, is where we come in. We submitted it to stations on Friday, but weirdly, we haven't heard back from them since, which is a little surprising, because we are one of the only advertisers offering to buy time on his show at the moment.feedback

Apr 03 2017 - Wiretapping

Devin took what appears to be an unnecessary trip to tell what appears to be unimportant news to what may have been the source of the news itself. So what Nunes brought to light has turned out to be a bunch of smoke and mirrors as convoluted as it is pointless – truly, it is the Now You See Me of revelations.feedback

Apr 03 2017 - Wiretapping

That initially sounded like it could back up Trump's claims that President Obama wiretapped him. But it quickly unraveled as Nunes conceded the surveillance was routine appeared to be completely legal, occurred after the election and may not have even targeted Trump or his transition team but rather foreign individuals discussing the transition.feedback

Apr 03 2017 - Marijuana

Legal marijuana businesses have struggled to get bank accounts because at the federal level they are still seen as criminal enterprises. So if banks took their deposits, that could be considered money laundering. This has meant that the businesses have had to operate all-cash.feedback

Mar 20 2017 - IPhone

Randomly singling out a few of them and then reducing them down to numbers.feedback

Mar 20 2017

The list of cuts scroll by like the ending credits to America. Thanks for helping us out, agriculture department. Hope you find a gig with the next country that rises from our ashes. You don't cut those agencies as a cost-saving measure. You do it as a fuck you.feedback

Mar 20 2017

Let's trickle dickle some money bunnies into our boom-boom budget we are aiming for tippy top people.feedback

Mar 20 2017

It's the budgetary equivalent of inviting Mitt Romney out to dinner at Jean-Georges before not offering him a cabinet position. Trump is so consistently monstrous, sometimes out of sheer coincidence he happens to do something amazing. Trump is truly the stopped clock of assholes.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Sex

This plan is literally taking money from the poor and giving it to the very rich. It's essentially a reverse Bernie Sanders, which is actually also the name of a sex act consisting of very aggressive fingering.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Trumpcare

That is over two-thirds less. And it's not one of those two-thirds decreases that you barely notice, like when Robin and Barry of the Bee Gees died. I'm kidding – Barry is fine. Robin and Maurice are dead. Or are they? The point is, they are. Although, to be fair, I have no idea. You don't either, and I don't see either of us Googling it anytime soon. Trump is not clamoring to put his name on this bill, and he has put his name on some of the shittiest products in human history.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Trumpcare

Saddle up, partner. For tonight, you ride again. Who better to tell Trump what this bill will do than someone who stands to be hurt by it? Someone in his early 60s, in rural America, with an unspecified medical problem that requires constant treatment? A not-insignificant percentage of this bill is focused on the urgent matter of what if one poor suddenly becomes less poor. I'm honestly surprised they didn't devote a section that covered what would happen in the event of a 'Freaky Friday'-type situation.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Trumpcare

It's like if the people of Pompeii voted for the volcano. I know you get to define your own self-interest, but I wish you hadn't voted for that volcano.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Trumpcare

This bill seems almost universally hated in Washington. It is truly the Ted Cruz of health-care legislation.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Trumpcare

I've been cowboying for 25 years and there's two things I know: I don't like pain when I cath, and health care is a complicated business.feedback

Mar 06 2017 - Buddhism

The Chinese government absolutely hates you.feedback

Mar 06 2017 - Watergate

A potential scandal with all the intrigue of Watergate except everyone involved is really bad at everything.feedback

Mar 06 2017 - Wiretapping

I think we can now officially declare that Trump has a worse media diet than the Son of Sam killer – and he got all his news from a talking dog who told him to murder.feedback

Sep 19 2016 - World Happiness report

It's all I've been thinking about for the past 48 hours, that I'd be looking at the back of Beyonce's head for four hours and she hasn't turned up. So, this is nice, but this evening genuinely has a sense of loss. I was going to stare at the back of her head and experience happiness in a form that I hadn't felt.feedback

Jun 06 2016

Are you ready to make television history? Let's do this!feedback

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