Samantha Bee

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Last quote by Samantha Bee

I imagine the timeline like this. The networks call the election for Trump, Kobach ejaculates so hard he gives himself a concussion, wakes up the next morning, sees it wasn't a dream, comes one more time, wipes his keyboard, then bangs out an email to PEOTUS saying, I'm your guy!feedback
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Jul 20 2017
Samantha Bee has most recently been quoted in an article called Watch Samantha Bee Dismantle Trump's Suspect Voter Fraud Commission. Samantha Bee said, “That is section eight, which members of Trump's voter fraud squad clutch to their snowy bosoms like a holy relic with the miraculous power to purge voter rolls. Guys like this have been playing the long game, methodically chipping away at the Voting Rights Act since LBJ signed it and left the room to expose himself to the steno pool. And now this president has handed them the keys to the candy shop so they can run in and purge all the chocolates.”. Samantha Bee has been quoted a grand total of 62 times in 30 articles.
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Samantha Bee quotes

Jun 29 2017 - Immigration

It is now American policy to make life a terrifying nightmare for millions of residents and their families, many of whom have never known any other home. What's the benefit of making millions of people too scared to go to work or church?feedback

Jun 29 2017 - Republican Party

It turns out, 13 rich white guys alone in a room isn't how good legislation happens. It's how 'Suicide Squad' happens.feedback

Jun 22 2017

Remember when the crime of leaking had a legal meaning? Sharing recollections of an unclassified conversation doesn't make you a criminal – it makes you Gossip Girl!feedback

Jun 22 2017

Resistance is futile, government is the deep state, expertise is dangerous elitism, language is dead!feedback

Jun 22 2017

And with their sanity shattered, CNN's top talent turned to nihilism.feedback

Jun 08 2017

Putting Jeff Sessions in charge of criminal justice is like putting that fifth dentist who never agrees with the other four in charge of all our teeth.feedback

Jun 08 2017 - Trump Presidency

The worst weapon in the decades-long War on Drugs were mandatory minimum sentences. It's like Trump nominated a VHS tape of Reefer Madness to run his Justice Department. Criminal justice reform is one of the few precious things that the left and right can agree on. It's an issue that unites Rand Paul and Cory Booker, Paul Ryan and Bernie Sanders, and I shit you not, Charles Koch and Snoop Dogg. Sessions doesn't realize that prison sentences are like penises: longer isn't always better. Seven inches? Sure. 56 inches? That is not good for anyone.feedback

Jun 01 2017 - Trump Presidency

For that glorious interlude between midnight and five a.m., we were like passengers on the Titanic who decided to say, Fuck it!' and rock out to the band.feedback

Jun 01 2017 - Twitter

We can't assume Jared knowingly broke the law. It's possible that the Russians planted this story to screw with us. It's also possible that the person POTUS trusts with negotiating Mid-East peace, reforming the criminal justice system, solving the opioid epidemic, advising the Commander in Chief and reinventing the entire government is just a complete fucking idiot! How comforting.feedback

May 11 2017 - Trump Presidency

I don't like James Comey. Nobody does. You either think he lost Hillary Clinton the election or you think he's the reason she's not locked up. Comey's a bit of a turd. But at least he's an independent turd.feedback

May 10 2017

I would spend days with the worst homophobes, and sometimes the worst people you could possibly imagine, and you have to get them to engage in this big sketch that you've done. You've taken three airplanes to get there, and you need them to give you some content, and you have to be nice to them all day.feedback

May 10 2017

There's never gonna be another president this good for comedy. I mean, this guy does something ridiculous at least once a month. I know there's one thing for sure – there's no scenario under which I will ever say, God, I wish George W. Bush was president.feedback

Apr 29 2017

We're doing an event that celebrates the freedom of the press. We care deeply about it. For God's sake, we could not do our show if things were more restricted. So, boy, nobody needs press freedom more than we do.feedback

Apr 29 2017

We're intending our show to really focus on honoring the press for all of the work that we vampire from them, all the hard work that people do that go into making a show like ours possible.feedback

Apr 29 2017

I can't really drop into that too much. I do what I do in the most authentic voice possible. We try to be careful. Nobody's perfect. We do our best and then I just ignore what everybody says about me and that seems to work just fine.feedback

Apr 29 2017

Cable news has developed a critical pundit infestation. And no one's house needs tenting worse than our friends at CNN. We knew that we needed to do this independently of whatever he was going to decide to do.feedback

Apr 27 2017

We're throwing a party to toast the free press – while we still have one.feedback

Apr 06 2017 - Facebook

Let me see if I can explain Russia's complex, high-tech cyber techniques in layman's terms. They put crazy shit on Facebook, polluting our brains until we all felt like Winona Ryder at the SAG Awards.feedback

Mar 30 2017 - Trumpcare

The Atlanta Falcons would have won the Super Bowl. But they had no support from the New England Patriots.feedback

Mar 30 2017 - Obamacare

Trump couldn't sell Obamacare repeal to a House that voted for it 60 times already. Closing deals is the one thing President Trump was supposed to know how to do. In the end, the charmer-in-chief struck out harder than the douche-y guy at the bar who goes up to every girl in the room asking, are you a model? You can't negotiate with the Freedom Caucus, Mr. President. [Former House Speaker] John Boehner could have told you that, but he's busy sipping Merlot on the beach and counting his zero fucks.feedback

Mar 23 2017

This kind of looks like when an insecure guy tries to make his penis look bigger by shaving down everything around it. Distilling Trump's spittle-flecked campaign jeremiads and incoherent revenge fantasies into policy isn't an exact science. And if it were an exact science, this budget would de-fund it.feedback

Mar 16 2017 - Egypt

Think of them as passengers on a bus that's now being driven by a feral, paranoid monkey. They're not trying to kick him out of the driver's seat – they know we chose the monkey to be the bus driver because Hillary Clinton used e-mail and was a woman, and they respect that. They're just trying to turn the wheel slightly while the monkey is masturbating so we don't run over a cliff.feedback

Mar 16 2017 - Egypt

But perhaps we should consider these leaks the phlegm of democracy. They're a sign that something is very wrong, yes, but also that your system is fighting it – like it's supposed to.feedback

Mar 14 2017

My audience wants to kill me for normalizing a lunatic like yourself.feedback

Mar 12 2017

I'm certainly requiring catharsis myself. I wish I could be more helpful to them, actually. As much as they need the show, I need the show. I experience it in a different way than the audience experiences it, but I need it, too.feedback

Mar 09 2017 - Wiretapping

Just one of those classic coups where the president uses the might of the government to spy on an opponent, then doesn't release any of the information he found, lets the other guy win and then isn't president anymore. Classic coup. Exactly what the word means!feedback

Mar 09 2017 - Wiretapping

If there's no one brave enough on his staff to tell their boss there's only one 'p' in 'tap,' there certainly isn't anyone brave enough to tell him Obama isn't running a coup.feedback

Mar 09 2017 - Wiretapping

I mean, I get why you'd think Obama would tap your phone. Just look how angry he is and obsessed with you. He can barely stay up on that surfboard from all the rage and hatred for your administration. While Trump is flipping out on a daily basis, every picture of Obama looks like he's about to sip a piña colada, laugh and paraglide off to a photo shoot for Essence magazine.feedback

Mar 09 2017

Just one of those classic coups where a president uses the might of the government to spy on an opponent and then doesn't release any of the information he found, lets the other guy win and then isn't president any more.feedback

Mar 09 2017 - Trumpcare

After seven years of procrastination, the Republican House pounded some Red Bull and pulled an all-nighter to get their Trumpcare assignment in – and it showed.feedback

Jan 30 2017

It's a party for the nerds not invited to the real 'nerd prom'. I had my gown all picked out. However, that didn't work out on several different levels. We're just trying to have a good time. We're looking to have a party and to have a smile on our faces.feedback

Jan 30 2017

The evening is sure to bring plenty of surprises, music, food, and laughter – and if you're not careful you just might learn something. Specifically, you'll learn how screwed we'd be without a free press. We're really doing this. This is not a joke.feedback

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