Samantha Bee


Last quote by Samantha Bee

I think it's weird as all hell, but I also think married people should be able to do whatever weird-as-hell things make them happy. And they seem really, really happy. I just wish they would extend the same courtesy to gay people, trans people, women and all of us out there who seem as weird to them as they do to
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Nov 16 2017
Samantha Bee has most recently been quoted in an article called See Samantha Bee Show Mike Pence 'Coming Out' as Republican. Samantha Bee said, “While Mike Pence wasn't busy suppressing the rights of women and gay people, he was diligently fighting for the interests that mattered most.”. Samantha Bee has been quoted a grand total of 100 times in 52 articles.
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Samantha Bee quotes

Oct 26 2017

Sometimes your jerk stick is the only thing you've got left in your toolbox. If any American submits a request for a hearing on this rule change before October 31st, Pruitt has to hold one. We don't know for how long or where it will be held, but I do know, if enough patriotic Americans show up that day, Scott Pruitt will be so fucking

Oct 26 2017

Holy shit, just one hour to fuck over Alaskan waters? That's only half as long as Paul Ryan's daily self-hating exercise regiment!feedback

Oct 12 2017

The extent of their creepiness seems to be a surprise to everyone – except women. We women have known men were gross since our sixth grade gym teacher said, Good job' at the end of class, then massaged our shoulders that were somehow on the front of our

Oct 12 2017 - Sexual harassment

Oh give me a break white Cosby. Nobody asked for your all-about-mea-culpa. Don't blame the Sixties and Seventies for your shitty decision making. It's serial sexual harassment – not a Monkees

Oct 12 2017 - Democratic Party

Weinstein isn't the only cool Democrat lurking in film festival hotels, waiting to play a jolly masturbation prank, . Women talk to each other. And we talk to journalists - and we talk to lawyers. It's 2017, we don't have to put up with this shit. We are coming for

Oct 12 2017 - Sexual harassment

Give me a break, white Cosby. Nobody asked for your all-about-mea-culpa. Don't blame the 60s and 70s for your shitty decision-making. It's serial sexual harassment, not a Monkees tattoo. Predictably, Republicans popped a few Tic-Tacs and moved on the Weinstein scandal like a bitch for partisan

Oct 12 2017

In case you didn't realize, it has been a huge week for women, starting last week when America encountered this season's second giant vortex of destructive moisture named

Oct 12 2017 - Antarctica

Sexual harassment is rampant in every profession imaginable: medicine, finance, technology, academia, publishing, restaurants. We tried to find one place where women were safe so we googled 'sexual harassment Antarctica' and we found this article from five fucking days ago. You can't even go to the most remote part of the planet without some dude swinging his cold, shriveled dick your

Oct 12 2017 - Trump Presidency

We've got guys who have been working 80 hours straight. You've got to have a fifth gear. You've got to have the two C's: commitment and

Sep 21 2017

Fun fact, the government isn't supposed to retaliate against citizens for stating their opinions. It's in the Constitution, right above the part that guarantees you the right to fornicate with your guns, or

Sep 21 2017

It was on all our behalves that Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J stood at the Lincoln Memorial and channeled the oratory of Dr. Martin Luther King – specifically, they channeled it into a can of Faygo and F-bombs. Taking away someone's opinion is no different than sewing their butthole shut!feedback

Sep 21 2017

Before Kelly, any rightwing extremist could just barrel into the Oval Office and slap their personal manifesto on the boss's desk to putrify into government policy, but no more. The VIP room is now off limits. Sorry Ivanka, welcome to Tiffany's

Sep 14 2017 - Trump Presidency

They're two old men from the boroughs. Look at 'em, talking about all the old bakeries that have closed and where to get the best egg cream. Hey Don, wanna go feed the pigeons?, Oh, you know I do! This fucking guy!feedback

Sep 14 2017 - Trump Presidency

The appropriate time will be when we're all on a space station trying to figure out how to turn our poop into protein

Sep 13 2017

The scariest thing I've ever done was have children. I was terrified. But look how nicely they turn out! I mean, these aren't mine. I had different ones. Totally worth it, but I was terrified. You're much too young to have

Sep 12 2017

As citizens, we would actually ask for less. ... We have what we have, so we make what we can out of

Aug 22 2017

If you watch my show, I think you know what keeps me up at night. Also, last night before I went to bed I ate a massive bag of dill pickle chips and that's what kept me

Aug 15 2017

It's crazy that we need them more than ever. These things are not waning, the intensity is growing. It's outrageous on a very deep level that they are the only organization outside of the FBI trying to do this work, and it's sad that we have to crowdfund these amazing organizations that the administration would seek to take away a grant from. In the grand scheme of things it's such a small amount of money for the work that they

Aug 15 2017

You have to introduce new foods like 75 times to a child before they'll accept it. We need to be calling out casual racism. White people have to own this problem. We really do. This problem is our fault and we need to take ownership of it and try to help fix

Aug 10 2017

Trump's nominees are overwhelmingly white - like Duplass Brothers' project white, . If I didn't know that those were judicial nominees, I'd think it was just the next crop of network late-night hosts. Believe it or not, confirming judges with a bigoted history used to be something both parties agreed was bad. But that was in the 1980s, before bipartisanship was

Aug 10 2017 - Trump Presidency

Trump has picked 37 judges in six months. That's 20 more than Obama, and Obama didn't spend 14 hours a day angrily toilet-tweeting while jerking off to Fox &

Aug 10 2017 - Trump Presidency

It was 2005, six years before he ever met Trump, and Steve Bannon joined a gold framing company that employed warehouses full of Chinese workers to win prizes in World of Warcraft and then sell them back to real players for real money. Gamer message boards revealed enough butt-hurt penis goblins to catch Steve's gimlet eye. A few years later Steve took over Breitbart after its founder was murdered by Hillary Clin – I'm sorry, died of natural causes. He set about turbocharging the website's white populist agenda and 'fuck everyone'

Aug 10 2017 - Populism

Things may seem scary right now, but as long there's one grownup in a White House full of children, reality stars and Huckabees, we should be fine. Steve has been out of public view lately. If I could suck my own cock I'd probably never leave my bedroom either. Since I can't, I spend my time reading. Devil's Bargain traces Steve Bannon's rise from working-class kid to powerful hand of the king with tiny hands. This is the true story of how Steve Bannon brought the alt-right into our world like a reverse Buffy standing at the hellmouth saying, Come on in, demons!feedback

Aug 10 2017 - Women

Thanks to his Warcraft days dealing with elves, trolls, and goblins, Bannon was more than qualified to lead the Trump campaign team when Rebekah Mercer ordered Trump to hire him. Having freed the very unsullied from their fringe enclaves, the mother of Pepe's gave them something to fight for. Well, something to fight against – specifically, a

Jul 27 2017 - Twitter

Firing thousands of active duty service members in the middle of the big push against ISIS was Trump's version of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. He didn't ask anyone if it was a good idea and he didn't tell anyone he was going to do it. But that is how we roll

Jul 20 2017 - Trump Presidency

I imagine the timeline like this. The networks call the election for Trump, Kobach ejaculates so hard he gives himself a concussion, wakes up the next morning, sees it wasn't a dream, comes one more time, wipes his keyboard, then bangs out an email to PEOTUS saying, I'm your guy!feedback

Jul 20 2017

That is section eight, which members of Trump's voter fraud squad clutch to their snowy bosoms like a holy relic with the miraculous power to purge voter rolls. Guys like this have been playing the long game, methodically chipping away at the Voting Rights Act since LBJ signed it and left the room to expose himself to the steno pool. And now this president has handed them the keys to the candy shop so they can run in and purge all the

Jul 20 2017 - Trump-Putin

I wonder where so many Americans got that concern. It's shocking that so many dead people would vote for Hillary considering she probably killed them in the first place. His new commission introduced themselves with a friendly get-to-know-you letter to all 50 secretaries of

Jul 20 2017 - Trump-Putin

Since the commission wants to know so much about us, let's find a little about them, starting with vice-chair Kris Kristofferson Kobach. Back in the 80s when his Harvard classmates were getting laid and protesting apartheid, Kris was writing an anti-divestment thesis under the tutelage of Samuel Huntington, an adviser to the white South African regime who favored enlightened

Jul 20 2017 - US voter fraud

How the fuck do you go to Harvard, Yale and Oxford and come out a birther? Tucker Carlson is right. College is stupid! And Kobach's voter fraud snipe-hunt even earned him a place in the very exclusive too-out-there-for-Fox-News club. Guys like this have been playing the long game, methodically chipping away at the Voting Rights Act since the moment LBJ signed it and then left the room to expose himself to the steno pool. And now, this president has handed them the key to the candy

Jul 20 2017 - Trump-Putin

Who is he besides a man whose name sounds like it's twirling its mustache?feedback

Jul 13 2017

I have absolutely sent my deepest thanks to [Secretary Clinton]. That post made a huge difference. That was really helpful to get the information out to an audience that we're not necessarily connected to. It was the final push of this campaign and it helped a lot. It feels like a full circle moment. It was very

Jul 13 2017

I think it'll be an amazing moment to not mention Donald Trump. I live for those moments where I can celebrate things without even thinking of him!feedback

Jul 11 2017 - AT&T

We'll just have to keep Planned Parenthood afloat one T-shirt at a time. So if you haven't bought a "nasty woman" T-shirt for your dog or your state representative it's now or never. Make it rain, nasty women!feedback

Jun 29 2017 - Immigration

In the same way that some guys use forced perspective to make their junk look bigger, ICE is using unpredictable and frankly dick-ish detentions to make 5,000 agents seem like at least 7,000 – 9,000 if you measure from the

Jun 29 2017 - Immigration

It is now American policy to make life a terrifying nightmare for millions of residents and their families, many of whom have never known any other home. What's the benefit of making millions of people too scared to go to work or church?feedback

Jun 29 2017 - Republican Party

It turns out, 13 rich white guys alone in a room isn't how good legislation happens. It's how 'Suicide Squad'

Jun 22 2017

Remember when the crime of leaking had a legal meaning? Sharing recollections of an unclassified conversation doesn't make you a criminal – it makes you Gossip Girl!feedback

Jun 22 2017

Resistance is futile, government is the deep state, expertise is dangerous elitism, language is dead!feedback

Jun 22 2017

And with their sanity shattered, CNN's top talent turned to

Jun 08 2017

Putting Jeff Sessions in charge of criminal justice is like putting that fifth dentist who never agrees with the other four in charge of all our

Jun 08 2017 - Trump Presidency

The worst weapon in the decades-long War on Drugs were mandatory minimum sentences. It's like Trump nominated a VHS tape of Reefer Madness to run his Justice Department. Criminal justice reform is one of the few precious things that the left and right can agree on. It's an issue that unites Rand Paul and Cory Booker, Paul Ryan and Bernie Sanders, and I shit you not, Charles Koch and Snoop Dogg. Sessions doesn't realize that prison sentences are like penises: longer isn't always better. Seven inches? Sure. 56 inches? That is not good for

Jun 01 2017 - Trump Presidency

For that glorious interlude between midnight and five a.m., we were like passengers on the Titanic who decided to say, Fuck it!' and rock out to the

Jun 01 2017 - Twitter

We can't assume Jared knowingly broke the law. It's possible that the Russians planted this story to screw with us. It's also possible that the person POTUS trusts with negotiating Mid-East peace, reforming the criminal justice system, solving the opioid epidemic, advising the Commander in Chief and reinventing the entire government is just a complete fucking idiot! How

May 11 2017 - Trump Presidency

I don't like James Comey. Nobody does. You either think he lost Hillary Clinton the election or you think he's the reason she's not locked up. Comey's a bit of a turd. But at least he's an independent

May 10 2017

I would spend days with the worst homophobes, and sometimes the worst people you could possibly imagine, and you have to get them to engage in this big sketch that you've done. You've taken three airplanes to get there, and you need them to give you some content, and you have to be nice to them all

May 10 2017

There's never gonna be another president this good for comedy. I mean, this guy does something ridiculous at least once a month. I know there's one thing for sure – there's no scenario under which I will ever say, God, I wish George W. Bush was

Apr 29 2017

We're doing an event that celebrates the freedom of the press. We care deeply about it. For God's sake, we could not do our show if things were more restricted. So, boy, nobody needs press freedom more than we

Apr 29 2017

We're intending our show to really focus on honoring the press for all of the work that we vampire from them, all the hard work that people do that go into making a show like ours

Apr 29 2017

I can't really drop into that too much. I do what I do in the most authentic voice possible. We try to be careful. Nobody's perfect. We do our best and then I just ignore what everybody says about me and that seems to work just

Apr 29 2017

Cable news has developed a critical pundit infestation. And no one's house needs tenting worse than our friends at CNN. We knew that we needed to do this independently of whatever he was going to decide to

Apr 27 2017

We're throwing a party to toast the free press – while we still have

Apr 06 2017 - Facebook

Let me see if I can explain Russia's complex, high-tech cyber techniques in layman's terms. They put crazy shit on Facebook, polluting our brains until we all felt like Winona Ryder at the SAG

Mar 30 2017 - Trumpcare

The Atlanta Falcons would have won the Super Bowl. But they had no support from the New England

Mar 30 2017 - Trumpcare

Trump couldn't sell Obamacare repeal to a House that voted for it 60 times already. Closing deals is the one thing President Trump was supposed to know how to do. In the end, the charmer-in-chief struck out harder than the douche-y guy at the bar who goes up to every girl in the room asking, are you a model? You can't negotiate with the Freedom Caucus, Mr. President. [Former House Speaker] John Boehner could have told you that, but he's busy sipping Merlot on the beach and counting his zero

Mar 23 2017

This kind of looks like when an insecure guy tries to make his penis look bigger by shaving down everything around it. Distilling Trump's spittle-flecked campaign jeremiads and incoherent revenge fantasies into policy isn't an exact science. And if it were an exact science, this budget would de-fund

Mar 16 2017 - Egypt

Think of them as passengers on a bus that's now being driven by a feral, paranoid monkey. They're not trying to kick him out of the driver's seat – they know we chose the monkey to be the bus driver because Hillary Clinton used e-mail and was a woman, and they respect that. They're just trying to turn the wheel slightly while the monkey is masturbating so we don't run over a

Mar 16 2017 - Egypt

But perhaps we should consider these leaks the phlegm of democracy. They're a sign that something is very wrong, yes, but also that your system is fighting it – like it's supposed

Mar 12 2017

I'm certainly requiring catharsis myself. I wish I could be more helpful to them, actually. As much as they need the show, I need the show. I experience it in a different way than the audience experiences it, but I need it,

Mar 09 2017 - Wiretapping

Just one of those classic coups where the president uses the might of the government to spy on an opponent, then doesn't release any of the information he found, lets the other guy win and then isn't president anymore. Classic coup. Exactly what the word means!feedback

Mar 09 2017 - Wiretapping

If there's no one brave enough on his staff to tell their boss there's only one 'p' in 'tap,' there certainly isn't anyone brave enough to tell him Obama isn't running a

Mar 09 2017 - Wiretapping

I mean, I get why you'd think Obama would tap your phone. Just look how angry he is and obsessed with you. He can barely stay up on that surfboard from all the rage and hatred for your administration. While Trump is flipping out on a daily basis, every picture of Obama looks like he's about to sip a piña colada, laugh and paraglide off to a photo shoot for Essence

Mar 09 2017

Just one of those classic coups where a president uses the might of the government to spy on an opponent and then doesn't release any of the information he found, lets the other guy win and then isn't president any

Mar 09 2017 - Trumpcare

After seven years of procrastination, the Republican House pounded some Red Bull and pulled an all-nighter to get their Trumpcare assignment in – and it

Jan 30 2017

It's a party for the nerds not invited to the real 'nerd prom'. I had my gown all picked out. However, that didn't work out on several different levels. We're just trying to have a good time. We're looking to have a party and to have a smile on our

Jan 30 2017

The evening is sure to bring plenty of surprises, music, food, and laughter – and if you're not careful you just might learn something. Specifically, you'll learn how screwed we'd be without a free press. We're really doing this. This is not a

Dec 20 2016

My audience wants to kill me for normalizing a lunatic like

Nov 01 2016

Seeing as how this is our Halloween interview, can you tell us a spooky story about what happens if people don't vote?feedback

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