Stephen Colbert

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Last quote by Stephen Colbert

How is he going to #buildawall when it takes him three hours to #buildasentence?feedback
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Apr 25 2017 Trump Presidency
Stephen Colbert has most recently been quoted in an article called See Stephen Colbert Tease Alex Jones Over Love of Weed, Zebra Meat. Stephen Colbert said, “And would you like that rare or medium rare?, I'd like that extremely rare, endangered in fact. All cops do this. All policemen get stoned once a year, but first they look in the mirror and say, Am I a cop? I gotta tell me if I'm a cop.”. Stephen Colbert has been quoted a grand total of 52 times in 33 articles.
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Stephen Colbert quotes

While I didn't know Don Rickles, I did have the incredible honor to meet him once backstage at the Emmys; we were both up for Best Host of a Variety Show, and the better one of us one. I went over to congratulate him when he was doing his photos backstage with his Emmy, and our show The Colbert Report had just won for writing, and he hugged me and told me I was good. And I felt like a made man. Because we all should have his career and be who he was.feedback

I'm not sure if he accomplished all his goals, there are still some Muslims in America. Word on the street is that Jared Kushner helped push Steve Bannon out. How many jobs does that kid have? I'm not surprised, Because whenever Kushner isn't around Bannon calls him a 'cuck'. Bannon tried to stop the demotion, threatening at one point to quit if it went forward.feedback

So far we don't know what has caused all of America's hot extras to take the streets. I'm guessing it's a protest for Attractive Lives Matter.feedback

We have a deeply divided nation. But today it seems like everyone has come together to join the protest against the new protest ad from Pepsi. So far, we don't know what has caused all of America's hot extras to take to the streets. But I'm guessing it's a protest for Attractive Lives Matter. They might as well be holding signs that say, we are all the core demographic. Live for now especially if you're Pepsi's marketing department. I don't think you guys are gonna be there for long.feedback

You know what that means … I hope. Because no one really knows what that means. Fancy language, senator. I will duel you at dawn you charlatan, you mountebank, you mendacious flimflamming dissembler. Bring a pistol and a thesaurus.feedback

That song is just a part of a huge, special, backstage bonus tour with Green Day including more songs they performed right here.feedback

I'm a huge Green Day fan, or as we call ourselves, Green Beans. While they were here, I asked them if we could sing my favorite Green Day song, Good Riddance (Time of Your Life).' And they said, absolutely, if you pay for it.' And I said, no way.feedback

There is sort of a debate on the internet about this thing. Some people find it kind of comforting, others want to know if you can take out a restraining order against a cartoon. Some people have said its the most disturbing cartoon they've ever seen. Well, we here at The Late Show took that as a challenge.feedback

Well, strap in, . Some people have said this is the most disturbing cartoon they've ever seen.feedback

A lot of people are upset with Donald Trump because he's not keeping all of his campaign promises. He didn't repeal Obamacare last week so today he kept an important campaign promise, one that he said many times: today he repealed the environment. Clean coal sounds like an oxymoron but then so does President Trump.feedback

Repealing environmental regulations will create all sorts of new jobs: oil refining, fracking, clean water historian, keeper of the last six bees .feedback

Not enough votes to get a majority? Well that didn't stop you from becoming president. It's almost like you can't trust a fast-talking city slicker who rolls into town promising a magic solution for all our medical needs. I'm starting to doubt the effectiveness of Dr Bannon's anti-Muslim toad oil.feedback

So he blamed the Democrats. Who else did he blame? He blamed conservative Republicans, moderate Republicans. But there is one person Donald Trump did not blame. Can you guess who it is? Here's a hint: It rhymes with Donald Trump.feedback

Not enough votes to get a majority? Well, that didn't stop you from becoming president. … It's almost like we're living in some sort of democracy!feedback

The White House tried to get this thing through. This is not a discussion. This is not a debate. You have no choice but to vote for this bill.feedback

Anyone can make a grill seem badass – it's a metal box that uses fire to burn meat. That's why I'm launching my own line of Made-in-the-U.S.A. American-Dumbass-Fun-Time Ice Cream Machines.feedback

Hey @inagarten, saw you baked elephant ears. Thought we had plans? Had to make them alone. (easy & delicious, thanks for the recipe!).feedback

Hey @inagarten – you said you & Jeffrey were having a quiet night in, but I saw that your table is set for six. What's that about?feedback

My real worry here is that a lot of people might go to house.gov and find out how to call their Congressman and tell them to protect kids and old people.feedback

I know what you're saying … they brought food to the elderly. [But] we all know what happens to food when we eat it – we are literally throwing food down the toilet. If we want to keep America safe, why waste money on Meals on Wheels that could be used on weapons systems? A lot of people say that Mulvaney is being cruel to old people. That's not fair. He's also being cruel to young people, because here's the deal: this budget also cuts after-school lunch programs for poor kids.feedback

Because what is a highway if not a wall on its side?feedback

[President Trump] is drowning in P, which again, stands for Putin. Just drink it in.feedback

A lot of people say [the accusation] was to distract from recent bad press: [President Trump]'s like a magician, misdirecting your attention with sleight of hand.feedback

Big news today out of the Kremlin – I'm sorry, I misread that: White House. You know how there's all this smoke about the idea that Trump and his folks colluded with the Russians to influence the election, and the Trump people are saying, There's nothing to see here'? Well I spy with my little eye the attorney general of the United States. Things are getting serious because the White House staff has been told to preserve all Russia-related materials. So, you hear that Mr. President? Do not get that mattress steam-cleaned yet.feedback

Adding just one more thing: Suck it, Nordstrom. So, as we come to end of tonight's address to Congress, I think we can all agree on one thing – one down, seven to go. There's a quicker way to say that entire sentence. She just lied.feedback

Any chance there's a mistake and 'Moonlight' is the president? Then he extinguished that torch with a coconut and asked the Democrats to leave the island. Honestly, I don't know what we inherited; you inherited, like, $100 million. Let's be honest. I've got to say, that must have been hard on Trump: People got so excited just hearing Obama's name. Well, there's one problem we can't solve for four years, but, other than that, I agree with you. And this surprised me. This next thing I did not expect at all. Trump came out as pro-choice when it comes to schools.feedback

Any chance there's a mistake and Moonlight is the president? The female members of the house Democratic caucus all wore white in honor of women's suffrage, while the Republicans wore white in honor of who elected them. So many handshakes, such little hands. It's just like the Statue of Liberty says: give us your tired, your poor, but not so poor that they can't afford a two-bedroom apartment and like, a Mitsubishi. Well, there's one problem we can't solve for four years.feedback

The theme of the speech was 'renewal of the American spirit,' which I gotta say, really just sounds like a Chinese bootleg of 'Make America Great Again.feedback

Honestly, I don't know what we inherited. You inherited like, $100 million. O.K.? Let's be honest. Maybe even rebuild it 10 times, if we had people who refused to pay their contractors. Nonessential federal workers – so Kellyanne Conway is out? People who believe that Donald Trump is an existential threat to this nation, to the experiment of democracy, to Western civilization itself, take heart, because for their powerful rebuttal, the Democrats showed a rerun of 'The Andy Griffith Show.feedback

This will be the largest audience to witness an Emmys, period. Both in person and around the globe.feedback

For the past eight years, the White House has given us a leader who's passionate, intelligent and dignified. Sir, I don't even know why you stood up. I was talking about Michelle.feedback

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